Surviving Life's Lessons

June 16, 2013

Filed under: Grieving — mlarocque11 @ 11:13 pm

Moving On

While some may think that time heals all, some things don’t heal as quickly as we’d like.  Just when I think I’m feeling better something reminds me of the pain of loneliness that haunts me at times.  I still miss his voice, his laughter and touch, how our hands intertwined fitting perfectly into each other as if they were pieces to God’s puzzle. I miss his steady breathing as he slept next to me.  I ache for his kiss when he went to work in the morning and came home at night.

They say that grieving, after some time, is more for the survivors’ loss of normalcy rather than the actual loss of their loved one.  Going through it I can’t tell the difference.  The sadness takes over and you don’t want a psychological explanation of it, you just want it to stop!  Sometimes it starts slowly and you just go with it knowing it will eventually pass.  Sometimes it rushes up like a wave rolling and surging, tossing your emotions around like buoy in a storm.  There is no stopping it; it is relentless as it tortures your mind, reminding you of what used to be.  I call it my dark place.  So many situations trigger these thoughts; it can be a song, a smell, a place.  Holidays and birthdays, anniversaries and family gatherings are not the same.

Everyone seems to act normal as they tiptoe around me with their comments.  Hearing some of them they just bounce off me. They don’t know I can hear them and I don’t care what they say.  They don’t know me anymore. I’m not the same person anymore.

When Dave and I met my life changed forever and I finally felt like I was home.  Now, with my home ripped out of my arms I now have a new role in my life and I must succeed.  I have two young women to guide into their adult lives.  I need to set new rules of “normalcy”; new traditions, celebrations, events and even friends are our priority now.  Our old friends seemed to step back.  I know they keep tabs on us but they never show their faces.  They’re still searching for just the right thing to say.  What’s to say now?  A sheepish apology of too much time passed?  They don’t know me anymore either.  It’s funny.  I’m just as guilty as they are when a friend loses their spouse or significant other.  The circle of friends you once had seems to thin out; perhaps fearful that they may suffer the same fate?  They avoid them under the guise of “giving the family space”.  Hopefully it makes them analyze their own families and relationships.  It’s made me look at mine.  My family members and friends are more precious to me. Time goes on whether your life changes direction or not.  To stay in my dark place is not only unproductive but it’s selfish of me.  Who is benefitting from this emotion?  No one.  I am a valuable person.  I have a family and a new circle of friends who won’t step back when I go to that dark place, they’ll hand me a light to help me find my way back home.  Thank you, my friends and my family for leaving that light on for me.

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